Ola! It’s been so long since I’ve written anything here. I’ve never been sure whether to treat this as a “personal space” – i.e. a medium that I don’t actively promote nor share – or a public one.
To be honest, having an online blog makes me uncomfortable. It forces me to look into my deep-seated desire for recognition. Whenever I publish an article, I think, “Should I share this on Instagram and Facebook?” That hunger for feedback and admiration is so visceral, and the internet makes it so easy to get an instant hit. Which makes it all the more excruciating if my work doesn’t get recognised.
That’s not all, though: I’m also insecure when it comes to my writing. I, in my imagination, have a reputation as a writer. At least, that’s what I used to be when I was a teenager. But that was half a lifetime ago, and it’s difficult – futile – catching up with that idealised version of me. I will never catch up with her because she’s unrealistic. I know that, I just need to fully accept it.
Today, I feel it: the need for acclaim, for a response. I have a podcast that I’ve put out to the public, and though I know it’s a slow climb, my impatient self wants fast results. There’s an on-going conflict in my mind, because I made the podcast to serve people. And yet I want people to serve me, too, by way of listens. It’s a weird and terribly irritating dichotomy. And yet, I feel like this is a normal thing that people go through? I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. When we put something out to the world, we want it to be acknowledged.
You know what? It feels good to have written it all out! I wrote it simply to express myself, without having an audience in mind. It feels like a weight has lifted over me. I may not be the writer I want to be, but man, do I love writing.